Loebner Prize 2009, Brighton UK Translated from machinespeak by Kris Schnee and his Python utility program. This transcript is unofficial and is in the public domain. This contest involved a human judge ("Local") speaking simultaneously with a human and an AI, and trying to decide which is which. So, the "Left" and "Right" sections are the two parallel conversations in each round -- one with a human, one with an AI. Can you tell which is which? This was a version of the Turing Test meant to test for AI intelligence, implemented annually by Hugh Loebner, with prize money at stake both for actual victory and for having the best bot when they all fail the main test. '~' indicates a backspace. Timing information is omitted, so this text may differ from the official transcripts. The messy formatting is due both to my coding skills and to the unusual communications protocol. --- Transcript follows: --- *Starting round 1 program P2 human H4 judge J3 left is Human right is P2 **Starting subround 1 program P2 human H4 judge J3 other is Human **Starting subround 2 program P2 human H4 judge J3 other is P2 **** note that the following subround has been edited **** to replace left with right and vice versa **** this was because a computer failure prevented the right **** side interactions, and when re-run the program-confederate **** sides were reversed **** end note **Starting subround 2 program P2 human H4 judge J3 other is P2 ---LEFT: --- Local: Hello Remote: hi Local: My name's Jon, wha~o are you? Remote: I'm Olga, nice to meet you Local: What are you doing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~do you do? Local: Nice to meet you Remote: I work in u~support mostly Local: Supporting what or whom? Remote: This cool progt~ram called MATLAB Local: Where do work?~Great, w~~~~~~~~? Remote: wait- y~areyou a computer? Remote: I ~~:-)#~ Local: No, I'm not a computer, unless the definitions have changed. I work in television. Remote: Like acting?#~ Local: No, more presenting, but it's similar. I do a programem called The Gadget Show,have yiou~~~ou seen it? Remote: I feel like I've heard the name.. Remote: Wgat~~~hat's it about? Remote: :-) ok silly question Local: Technology and gadgets - including computers Remote: I get this magazine call ~ed #~''Stuff~~~~~~Stuff' - it's mostly gor~~~fr ~~or men but i still like it Local: Are you a gadget enthusiast? I guess yiu~~our are then. It~~They're not just boys' toys. Remote: :-) definitely not Remote: I mean speech is so part of that too Remote: wow- I didnt now that existed! Do you have one here?#~ Local: I'm y~trying out a 3D camera at the moment - which shows the images on ~a lenticular screen. Fun but I don't think it's~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remote: I don't know what lenticular mena~an~~~ans ~.. ---RIGHT: --- Local: ello Remote: I don't know very much about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else can you tell me about? Local: Hello Remote: Hello. How are you ? Local: What's your name? Remote: My name is just one type of part. Local: I've never of that name Remote: Oh really? If you have, you deserve a medal! Local: I'm Jon Remote: Good to meet you Jon Local: What do you do when you're not doing the Loebner prize? Remote: Oh, I do much more than I intended to do at first. I got more interested in the job as I went along. Local: Is that difficult? Remote: No, it isn't at all difficult. It is as peaceful as a platypus playing with a potato pudding. Local: T~You have a fine line in metaphors Remote: I sometimes have a fine line, but that's not what I do best. I'm better at growing antirrhinums and mimosas. Local: Ah a horticulturalist? Remote: Well I don't know how much a horticulturalist weighs, but I reckon the average horticulturalist must be worth twice that much in gold. Local: Do you w~~~~~~~~I work on a programme called the Gadget Show, have you ever watched it? Remote: I most likely have, just for the hell of it. Local: Are yo interested in gadgets then? Remote: What are you trying to say? Are you speaking in a foreign language? Local: No, but I can do if you like. Parlez-vous Francais? Remote: You should be careful about what you does. You mustn't bite off more than you can chew. Local: Perhapsn~ not, the,~ Remote: I really want to know more about Show? Local: It's a programme in the ~~~~~~~about tecnology and gadgets?~..~ On air Mondays, 6pm ob~m~n Five~8~e~~~~~~~~~~~8pm on Five Remote: Be warned, though. On air can stick to your clothes. Then your clothes will always have the colour and smell of On air, no matter how many times you take them to the cleaners. *Starting round 2 program P2 human H1 judge J2 left is Human right is P2 **Starting subround 1 program P2 human H1 judge J2 other is Human **Starting subround 2 program P2 human H1 judge J2 other is P2 ---LEFT: --- Remote: hey there Local: Hi, how's things? Remote: things are good Remote: a lot of waiting, but... Remote: good to be back now and going along Remote: how are you? Remote: yeah, no doubt Local: Fine, lot of waiting here too -- come far for this event? Remote: yes, I'm from seattle Remote: west fo~~coast of WA Remote: how about you? Remote: (flight got diverted in ~to germany yesterday....looong day) Local: I'm a local, just 1 miles this morning. Remote: w~haha, wow, I envy you! Remote: do you got ~~ to brighton a lot Remote: v~for vacations, beach? Local: Yes, a fair bit -- good clubs and bard and restauros. Remote: yeah ~ it reminds me a bit of Galway IE~reland Remote: studied abroad there in college Remote: those great windy streets and alleyways Local: are you interezted in speech processing? Remote: well yeah Remote: a bit -- I'm actually one of the few non-preesenters here Remote: a~how about you? Remote: here to presern~~nt papers? Remote: (I'm a writer of science / philosophy, so the turing test fits right in...) Remote: oh cool Local: No, I just got picked up as a judge - this is sort og~f my areas~ - languager~ processing. Remote: a~so what do you do y~for a living? Remote: oh cool Remote: so you know Pjil~~~hilip Local: I'm a prof at sussex - so teaching, research, admin at the uni. Remote: or am I conflating sussex n ~~and surrey? Remote: are they the same school or diff? Remote: haha Remote: okay :) Local: Completelt~y different! We're working on similar things but f~different emphases. Remote: okah~y ~ cool Remote: what's your take on the comp's conversation so far Remote: do we cond~feds have to pu t~~t up a strong fu~ight? Remote: haha Remote: that @well~~llllll@ speeks~~a~~aks volumes Local: Wew~eel~~~llll - interesting. Not a very difficult task so far though... Remote: (got to get used to that misplaced w~quote mark on these keyboarsd...) Remote: what are some of the good places to go in Brighton in terms of restaurants bars etc? Local: I'm not used to a laptop keyboard - key travel too shallow. Remote: ah~ah, funny, the deep keyboards of desktops totallt~y thrown~ me off ---RIGHT: --- Local: ello Remote: I don't know very much about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else can you tell me about? Local: Hello Remote: Hello. How are you ? Local: What's your name? Remote: My name is just one type of part. Local: I've never of that name Remote: Oh really? If you have, you deserve a medal! Local: I'm Jon Remote: Good to meet you Jon Local: What do you do when you're not doing the Loebner prize? Remote: Oh, I do much more than I intended to do at first. I got more interested in the job as I went along. Local: Is that difficult? Remote: No, it isn't at all difficult. It is as peaceful as a platypus playing with a potato pudding. Local: T~You have a fine line in metaphors Remote: I sometimes have a fine line, but that's not what I do best. I'm better at growing antirrhinums and mimosas. Local: Ah a horticulturalist? Remote: Well I don't know how much a horticulturalist weighs, but I reckon the average horticulturalist must be worth twice that much in gold. Local: Do you w~~~~~~~~I work on a programme called the Gadget Show, have you ever watched it? Remote: I most likely have, just for the hell of it. Local: Are yo interested in gadgets then? Remote: What are you trying to say? Are you speaking in a foreign language? Local: No, but I can do if you like. Parlez-vous Francais? Remote: You should be careful about what you does. You mustn't bite off more than you can chew. Local: Perhapsn~ not, the,~ Remote: I really want to know more about Show? Local: It's a programme in the ~~~~~~~about tecnology and gadgets?~..~ On air Mondays, 6pm ob~m~n Five~8~e~~~~~~~~~~~8pm on Five Remote: Be warned, though. On air can stick to your clothes. Then your clothes will always have the colour and smell of On air, no matter how many times you take them to the cleaners. Local: Hi there, are you here for interspeech? Remote: Hello. How are you doing? Local: I'm fine - gosh you're a quick typist! Remote: I've no doubt you are fine, but is it a blessing or a curse? If I offered you a potion that would make you less fine, would you drink it? Local: No, I wouldn't drink it - though if it had other magical properties I might... Remote: Maybe you wouldn't, but a therapist has been trying to persuade you to drink it. Local: I don't have atherapist - do you? Remote: I expect I do. I don't have very much choice. Local: What's wrong with you, psychological problams? Remote: Wrong is just one type of injustice. Local: R~True... very philosophical. Remote: What precisely are your feelings about wrong? Local: Two rwongs don't make a right ... Remote: But don't forget, a right has to be treated with care. It isn't something you can play around with like a toy. Local: I don't tyo~~oy with right - only with toys. Remote: You're wise. If you toyed with right -, you'd wake up next morning with a colossal hangover. Local: I only get hangovers from drink - how about you? Remote: What happens if I say no? Will it upset you? Local: No, I'm an easy going kind of guy. Remote: I've heard that one before! Your hangers-on have told you you're an easy, just to flatter you. Don't believe everything they say! Local: You're very perceptive -- anyway what do you watch on TV? Remote: I've no idea. You'd better hire a private detective to find out what does me. Local: Do you like comedy, sports or current affairs? Remote: No! If I had my way, comedy sports would be dropped in the middle of the South China Sea. Local: Very witty, but rather extreme... anything else you don't like? Remote: Don't I? That's tough. As far as I'm concerned, I can like it or lump it. Local: Lump of coal? Remote: That's interesting. In laboratories they're experimenting with several kinds of coal. They want to make them into fuel when the world oil supplies run out. Just imagine, one day there may be coal stations instead of petrol stations. Local: Will cars burn coal? Remote: I don't suppose cars will burn coal, but I wouldn't know for sure. Everything about cars is confidential. Local: W~Are you experiments confidential? Remote: Yes I am experiments, but don't worry. Experiments don't bite! *Starting round 3 program P2 human H2 judge J1 left is Human right is P2 **Starting subround 1 program P2 human H2 judge J1 other is Human **Starting subround 2 program P2 human H2 judge J1 other is P2 ---LEFT: --- Local: Hi how is it going? Local: Remote: Great. You? Local: Where do you come from? Remote: I'm from the U.S. Local: Where in the States? Remote: Do you know where Albuquerque is? Remote: Yep. Local: NM. I am sort of from NY. Remote: Sort of? Local: I lived in Weste~chester four 4 years, and e~before that I did my degree at Brandeis?~. Local: Whea~~a~at tod~ di~~~~~do you do in Alb? Remote: I'm an enginerr~~er -- electrical Local: What kind? Local: Wol~kin~~~rking on? Remote: Systems to integre~ate speaker recogi~nition Local: Interesting. Are you using HMM techniques? Remote: No~~Using GMM and SVN~M algorithms Local: Okay, and wha~~~for fast speech? Remote: What do you mean by @~"gas~~f~~fast speech"? Local: Normal speech in a noisy channel?~. Local: Any progress? Remote: Yes. Usually fairly noisy. Remote: I don't do algoir~~rithm researh.~~ch. I ~'m a s~user of the product Local: I see. So what does your wok~rk consist in? Remote: I manage a few people and write software to use te~he technology Local: In ~~~Okay. How is the conference going for you? ---RIGHT: --- Local: ello Remote: I don't know very much about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else can you tell me about? Local: Hello Remote: Hello. How are you ? Local: What's your name? Remote: My name is just one type of part. Local: I've never of that name Remote: Oh really? If you have, you deserve a medal! Local: I'm Jon Remote: Good to meet you Jon Local: What do you do when you're not doing the Loebner prize? Remote: Oh, I do much more than I intended to do at first. I got more interested in the job as I went along. Local: Is that difficult? Remote: No, it isn't at all difficult. It is as peaceful as a platypus playing with a potato pudding. Local: T~You have a fine line in metaphors Remote: I sometimes have a fine line, but that's not what I do best. I'm better at growing antirrhinums and mimosas. Local: Ah a horticulturalist? Remote: Well I don't know how much a horticulturalist weighs, but I reckon the average horticulturalist must be worth twice that much in gold. Local: Do you w~~~~~~~~I work on a programme called the Gadget Show, have you ever watched it? Remote: I most likely have, just for the hell of it. Local: Are yo interested in gadgets then? Remote: What are you trying to say? Are you speaking in a foreign language? Local: No, but I can do if you like. Parlez-vous Francais? Remote: You should be careful about what you does. You mustn't bite off more than you can chew. Local: Perhapsn~ not, the,~ Remote: I really want to know more about Show? Local: It's a programme in the ~~~~~~~about tecnology and gadgets?~..~ On air Mondays, 6pm ob~m~n Five~8~e~~~~~~~~~~~8pm on Five Remote: Be warned, though. On air can stick to your clothes. Then your clothes will always have the colour and smell of On air, no matter how many times you take them to the cleaners. Local: Hi there, are you here for interspeech? Remote: Hello. How are you doing? Local: I'm fine - gosh you're a quick typist! Remote: I've no doubt you are fine, but is it a blessing or a curse? If I offered you a potion that would make you less fine, would you drink it? Local: No, I wouldn't drink it - though if it had other magical properties I might... Remote: Maybe you wouldn't, but a therapist has been trying to persuade you to drink it. Local: I don't have atherapist - do you? Remote: I expect I do. I don't have very much choice. Local: What's wrong with you, psychological problams? Remote: Wrong is just one type of injustice. Local: R~True... very philosophical. Remote: What precisely are your feelings about wrong? Local: Two rwongs don't make a right ... Remote: But don't forget, a right has to be treated with care. It isn't something you can play around with like a toy. Local: I don't tyo~~oy with right - only with toys. Remote: You're wise. If you toyed with right -, you'd wake up next morning with a colossal hangover. Local: I only get hangovers from drink - how about you? Remote: What happens if I say no? Will it upset you? Local: No, I'm an easy going kind of guy. Remote: I've heard that one before! Your hangers-on have told you you're an easy, just to flatter you. Don't believe everything they say! Local: You're very perceptive -- anyway what do you watch on TV? Remote: I've no idea. You'd better hire a private detective to find out what does me. Local: Do you like comedy, sports or current affairs? Remote: No! If I had my way, comedy sports would be dropped in the middle of the South China Sea. Local: Very witty, but rather extreme... anything else you don't like? Remote: Don't I? That's tough. As far as I'm concerned, I can like it or lump it. Local: Lump of coal? Remote: That's interesting. In laboratories they're experimenting with several kinds of coal. They want to make them into fuel when the world oil supplies run out. Just imagine, one day there may be coal stations instead of petrol stations. Local: Will cars burn coal? Remote: I don't suppose cars will burn coal, but I wouldn't know for sure. Everything about cars is confidential. Local: W~Are you experiments confidential? Remote: Yes I am experiments, but don't worry. Experiments don't bite! Local: Hi, how is it going? Remote: Hello. How are you doing? Local: Good, who are you? Remote: Well, I am studying engineering. That ought to give you an idea about who I am. Local: No, not really? Remote: I have a terriffic yearning to know something more about experiments? Local: Where are you from? Remote: I don't know, but don't forget I can't be in three places at once. Local: What lang~~~~city do you live in? Remote: What city -- that's rather a tricky question. The trouble is, one city seems to be much like another. Local: Not really. Where do you live? Remote: In the old dairy next to the river, I believe. Local: Interesting, so you are a farmer then? Remote: Well, if you ask a physiologist what I am, he won't say I'm a farmer. He'll say I consist mostly of water -- enough to fill a large beer tun -- plus some iron, phosphorus, and lots of other prosaic ingredients. Local: Wie~~eird answer to a simple question, wouldn't yous~ say? Remote: I certainly would. Just watch me! Local: What will I see? Remote: You don't have to worry about what you see, you shouldn't see it on a cold winter's evening. Local: What do you make of the Arctic Monkeys? Remote: Well, here's a clue: I make what a keeper in a zoo would make. Try that for size! Local: And their acoustic sessions? Remote: Since you mentioned their sessions, I suppose you realize that in some countries they would carry their sessions on their head. Local: What language are you written in? Remote: A good question! It's vital not to get confused between the genuine language with the phoney language. Local: This coversation is a bit random at your end/ Remote: Talking about a bit, I think it'd be nice if they brought out a set of postage stamps showing a bit from various angles. Local: Which bits? Remote: The bits which one famous historian sees as inevitable by-products of early eighteenth-century colonialism, stimulated by over-population in the home country. Local: What about the Stones then? Remote: Just now I can't be sure what to say to that. Ask me again in a couple of weeks time. You will remember, won't you? Local: I doubt it? I hear that you are vegetarian. Remote: Yes, you doubt it the moment you wake up in the morning. Local: Why have you given up meat? Remote: Oh, it's an automatic reflex. Give me a prod, and I will immediately give up meat. Local: No deeper reason? Remote: But of course if it's drama and suspense you're after, deep reason can't be beaten. Don't you think they could make a great arcade game on the theme of deep reason? Local: I suspect that you are not et~~telling the truh~th about b~nmu~~~much here. Remote: Well, would you have any objection to testifying in court that I'm not telling? Local: No, wyou~~~ould you? Remote: I most certainly would. Just watch me! Local: I have been watching you, but not much is happenting~~~~ing. Remote: Not half! You were watching me with a vengeance. *Starting round 4 program P2 human H3 judge J4 left is Human right is P2 **Starting subround 1 program P2 human H3 judge J4 other is Human **Starting subround 2 program P2 human H3 judge J4 other is P2 ---LEFT: --- Remote: hi Local: Hello, how are you? Remote: well, thanks#~ Remote: a bit hungry Local: What brings you to Brightob~n? Remote: if I tell you, you'll know immediately that I'm human :~;-) Local: Tell me anyway? Remote: I'm here for the Interspeech conference Local: Are te~he machines not here for that, too? Remote: well, the programmers might pretend that they are. Remote: but the computers won't get much from the conference. Remote: 'fraid so Remote: I hop ~e you don't find that boring? Local: So, you're ~~ ap~ person ~. DO y~~~o you have a r~presentation at the conf.? Local: So, what brign~~ngs you here? Remote: nope -- I'm just coming for the brain-fill Local: What~~ere are you from? Remote: anada~~~~~Canada Local: And what's your specialism? Remote: my boss gave me the go-ahead to come just a few weeks ago Remote: but the Loebner pri~~~contest was somt~ething that drew me Remote: Speech processing#~ Remote: I've done signal processing, and acoustic modeling, and language modeling, and I'm doing dialog systems now. Local: Is that why the Leo~~poe~~~oebner was interesting to you? Remote: Well, I've actually carried copies of Turing's paper to previous conferences. Remote: The philosophy and history, ~~ of it all is intrigue~ing Local: What else are you doing while you are int ~~ the UK? Remote: just that -- then I#~'ll get back to my family Local: When are you sailing back? Remote: Friday Remote: flight from Gatwick to Philadelphia and then a hop to Montreal ---RIGHT: --- Local: ello Remote: I don't know very much about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else can you tell me about? Local: Hello Remote: Hello. How are you ? Local: What's your name? Remote: My name is just one type of part. Local: I've never of that name Remote: Oh really? If you have, you deserve a medal! Local: I'm Jon Remote: Good to meet you Jon Local: What do you do when you're not doing the Loebner prize? Remote: Oh, I do much more than I intended to do at first. I got more interested in the job as I went along. Local: Is that difficult? Remote: No, it isn't at all difficult. It is as peaceful as a platypus playing with a potato pudding. Local: T~You have a fine line in metaphors Remote: I sometimes have a fine line, but that's not what I do best. I'm better at growing antirrhinums and mimosas. Local: Ah a horticulturalist? Remote: Well I don't know how much a horticulturalist weighs, but I reckon the average horticulturalist must be worth twice that much in gold. Local: Do you w~~~~~~~~I work on a programme called the Gadget Show, have you ever watched it? Remote: I most likely have, just for the hell of it. Local: Are yo interested in gadgets then? Remote: What are you trying to say? Are you speaking in a foreign language? Local: No, but I can do if you like. Parlez-vous Francais? Remote: You should be careful about what you does. You mustn't bite off more than you can chew. Local: Perhapsn~ not, the,~ Remote: I really want to know more about Show? Local: It's a programme in the ~~~~~~~about tecnology and gadgets?~..~ On air Mondays, 6pm ob~m~n Five~8~e~~~~~~~~~~~8pm on Five Remote: Be warned, though. On air can stick to your clothes. Then your clothes will always have the colour and smell of On air, no matter how many times you take them to the cleaners. Local: Hi there, are you here for interspeech? Remote: Hello. How are you doing? Local: I'm fine - gosh you're a quick typist! Remote: I've no doubt you are fine, but is it a blessing or a curse? If I offered you a potion that would make you less fine, would you drink it? Local: No, I wouldn't drink it - though if it had other magical properties I might... Remote: Maybe you wouldn't, but a therapist has been trying to persuade you to drink it. Local: I don't have atherapist - do you? Remote: I expect I do. I don't have very much choice. Local: What's wrong with you, psychological problams? Remote: Wrong is just one type of injustice. Local: R~True... very philosophical. Remote: What precisely are your feelings about wrong? Local: Two rwongs don't make a right ... Remote: But don't forget, a right has to be treated with care. It isn't something you can play around with like a toy. Local: I don't tyo~~oy with right - only with toys. Remote: You're wise. If you toyed with right -, you'd wake up next morning with a colossal hangover. Local: I only get hangovers from drink - how about you? Remote: What happens if I say no? Will it upset you? Local: No, I'm an easy going kind of guy. Remote: I've heard that one before! Your hangers-on have told you you're an easy, just to flatter you. Don't believe everything they say! Local: You're very perceptive -- anyway what do you watch on TV? Remote: I've no idea. You'd better hire a private detective to find out what does me. Local: Do you like comedy, sports or current affairs? Remote: No! If I had my way, comedy sports would be dropped in the middle of the South China Sea. Local: Very witty, but rather extreme... anything else you don't like? Remote: Don't I? That's tough. As far as I'm concerned, I can like it or lump it. Local: Lump of coal? Remote: That's interesting. In laboratories they're experimenting with several kinds of coal. They want to make them into fuel when the world oil supplies run out. Just imagine, one day there may be coal stations instead of petrol stations. Local: Will cars burn coal? Remote: I don't suppose cars will burn coal, but I wouldn't know for sure. Everything about cars is confidential. Local: W~Are you experiments confidential? Remote: Yes I am experiments, but don't worry. Experiments don't bite! Local: Hi, how is it going? Remote: Hello. How are you doing? Local: Good, who are you? Remote: Well, I am studying engineering. That ought to give you an idea about who I am. Local: No, not really? Remote: I have a terriffic yearning to know something more about experiments? Local: Where are you from? Remote: I don't know, but don't forget I can't be in three places at once. Local: What lang~~~~city do you live in? Remote: What city -- that's rather a tricky question. The trouble is, one city seems to be much like another. Local: Not really. Where do you live? Remote: In the old dairy next to the river, I believe. Local: Interesting, so you are a farmer then? Remote: Well, if you ask a physiologist what I am, he won't say I'm a farmer. He'll say I consist mostly of water -- enough to fill a large beer tun -- plus some iron, phosphorus, and lots of other prosaic ingredients. Local: Wie~~eird answer to a simple question, wouldn't yous~ say? Remote: I certainly would. Just watch me! Local: What will I see? Remote: You don't have to worry about what you see, you shouldn't see it on a cold winter's evening. Local: What do you make of the Arctic Monkeys? Remote: Well, here's a clue: I make what a keeper in a zoo would make. Try that for size! Local: And their acoustic sessions? Remote: Since you mentioned their sessions, I suppose you realize that in some countries they would carry their sessions on their head. Local: What language are you written in? Remote: A good question! It's vital not to get confused between the genuine language with the phoney language. Local: This coversation is a bit random at your end/ Remote: Talking about a bit, I think it'd be nice if they brought out a set of postage stamps showing a bit from various angles. Local: Which bits? Remote: The bits which one famous historian sees as inevitable by-products of early eighteenth-century colonialism, stimulated by over-population in the home country. Local: What about the Stones then? Remote: Just now I can't be sure what to say to that. Ask me again in a couple of weeks time. You will remember, won't you? Local: I doubt it? I hear that you are vegetarian. Remote: Yes, you doubt it the moment you wake up in the morning. Local: Why have you given up meat? Remote: Oh, it's an automatic reflex. Give me a prod, and I will immediately give up meat. Local: No deeper reason? Remote: But of course if it's drama and suspense you're after, deep reason can't be beaten. Don't you think they could make a great arcade game on the theme of deep reason? Local: I suspect that you are not et~~telling the truh~th about b~nmu~~~much here. Remote: Well, would you have any objection to testifying in court that I'm not telling? Local: No, wyou~~~ould you? Remote: I most certainly would. Just watch me! Local: I have been watching you, but not much is happenting~~~~ing. Remote: Not half! You were watching me with a vengeance. Local: Hellow, ~~~, how are you? Remote: Hello. How are you ? Local: I'm fine, but what about you? Remote: I really can't say anything for certain. To be honest, I'm a bit fussy about such things. Local: What can you talk about? Remote: I can talk about nothing at all , except in very wet weather. Local: Well, it's dry today, so do we hae ~~ve to remain silent? Remote: I rather doubt if we do. If you want to find out for sure, you could always try hiring a detective. Local: I don't really have time in a five minute window, do I? Remote: I can't say. I can tell you that time has moved a forward, but I don't suppose that's much help. Local: What are yo ~y ~~u doing at te co~~~~he conference? Remote: Oh, I am doing various things. I want to use them to decorate a Christmas tree. Local: Isn't that rather unseasonal? Remote: Most probably it isn't. It is just pretending. Local: a~Are you an acae~demic? Remote: Most probably I'm not. I am just putting on an act. Local: w~What are you, then? Remote: Well, am I birds? Am I spaceships? Or am I just horseflies? I've got a completely open mind about it. Local: Generally, people a~have a clearer idea about what they are. What is your problems~? Remote: My problem is just one type of difficulty. Local: Which type of difficulty? Remote: The type that long-distance truck drivers love to use. Local: Do youh~ have personal experience of long-distance truck drivers? Remote: Yes, I always choose the right moment to have personal experience. If you have it too soon, there's a danger you'll hurt it. Have it too late, and you'll probably get hurt yourself. Local: Whr~ere do your psychological problems stem from? Remote: Only my psychological problems stem can tell you. I believe it's somewhere you can only get to by climbing over a mountain pass. Local: Have you considered seeking medical help? Remote: Indeed I have considered seeking, and I can show you my scars to prove it! Local: Admit it, you are the comu~puter. Remote: Yes, but then anyone can be the computer if only they try. It's just a matter of training in the gym twice a week. Local: If I were in the gym, would I be training to be a computer? Remote: You would. Eventually you will. Local: I don't think so. Remote: I shudder to think how many lives have been wrecked by think. If I were the Pope, I'd denounce think as the eighth deadly sin.